I was 19 years old when I had my abortion. I was dating a wonderful guy who is now my husband. I was a Christian, but wasn’t living like it. When I found out I was pregnant, my consuming thought was I have to fix it so that no one can ever know. I told myself I had no other choice.

I went to the campus doctor and they simply asked me if I was going to keep or terminate my pregnancy. I thought that was such a nice way to put it. Just a normal medical procedure. They gave me a list of 10-12 doctors who would perform abortions. I was so relieved at how easy this was. It helped me justify my decision. God might not think this is ok, but a lot of other people do. I really could get away with it without anyone knowing.  

When I went to the clinic, they made the abortion procedure sound easy. It would all be over in a matter of minutes. What a joke. You can’t go into a place like that and come out the same person. The clinic itself is symbolic of that—you go in the front door and when they are done with you they push you out the back so that those coming in can’t see. When I left I thought—what a relief. It’s over. No one found out, and no one ever will.

After that day, I wasn’t the same anymore. I tried very hard to keep up appearances, so on the outside most people probably didn’t notice a change. But I became more self-conscious, withdrawn, I didn’t like to hang out with my friends. I blamed God for the way I felt; I told myself that He didn’t love me anymore, and I tried not to think about Him. I hated myself. I had a deep, dark secret that was eating away at me, and I had vowed to carry it to my grave. I knew everyone would hate me if they knew the ugly truth. I thought I was completely alone in all of this. Little did I know that I was surrounded by women who shared my feelings of guilt, shame, anger, low self-esteem—all resulting from abortion. I lived that way for years, and it almost destroyed my marriage. I didn’t know it at the time, but I harbored a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband for the abortion. I felt that it was all on my shoulders and that he wasn’t suffering at all. I guess I wanted him to hurt, too.

I started going to church again and it was there that I heard about Real Options, and I went to their volunteer training to help others. At that training, a woman stood in front of the group and told us that she was post-abortive and that statistically speaking there were at least three others in the room that were, too. I couldn’t believe it! How could someone stand in front of a group and admit that? I wasn’t alone! 

That day changed my life. I found out about Forgiven and Set Free, a Bible study for women who have experienced past abortions. I went and was amazed as my eyes were opened to what God had for me in His Word. He showed me that He had forgiven me, it was me who needed to accept that forgiveness. He was there all along. My guilt and shame are gone! Only God can do that! He healed my heart, and He saved my marriage! Now He allows me to participate in the ministry of reconciliation.